Chapter 5 - taking the leap of faith

Just as Moi had begun to actually move on in life and start doing things on her own, Pras, at Delhi at the time, sent a message which read "If you put on weight and weigh 42kgs, I will marry you." A series of mails later, terms and conditions for the marriage and the life after mutually agreed upon, Moi decided to bid farewell to the comfort and friends of Chennai.

After a year in Bangalore, we got married. It took him sometime to convince his mom. The marriage ceremony was over in a blink of the eye. And, here's a secret, Moi weighed 39kgs on the wedding day. It is gonna be 4 years of blissful married life next month with a fair share of ups and downs.

AND, I am going to stop referring to me as Moi now. Whew!!! It is so much easier to write like you are talking it out to a friend.

Has marriage changed me? Yes, in some ways. It has made me a stronger human being, more practical, less emotional. I attribute all these changes to the person I've married. He is everything that I am not. Yup, ours is a case of opposites attract. If you fall into the same category, my two cents worth of advice is to not let him rub off on you.

While I type this post, the below is an excerpt of our conversation. This is usually when we fight over the remote. (He and his news channels.. bah!!)

I ask, "Is it important to know what happened in some one else's life? How does it affect me and my life? Would my life be different if I cared?"
He replies, "There is more to life than TLC and your blog."

Well, this is not the first time. And yes, I've begun to care and I try to read the newspaper and catch up on the recent goings on when I can. For me the newspaper until now meant playing sudoku on the last page. The Internet is a Pandora's box, except that you need to be visiting the right websites.

Marriage can be good and bad. You can feel extremely secure with the person around and you can at a different instant of time feel stifled and suffocated by the same person. It's all about giving each other the space one requires. He is around *all* the time. When I leave for work, he is around. When I get home, he is around. Well, he works from home. So I used to work from home, when he would go to work. There were times when I'd force him out of the house so that I could get some ME time.

We've been on multiple trips over these years and this year, it is going to be the biggest. More on this in the next chapter - hopefully there is one. Lakshadweep, Alleppey, Chennai, Coorg, Kabini, Manali, Himalayan Trek, Bhutan, Goa and multiple trips to Ooty and Palakad. Travelling has been one more form of education for me. An eye-opener.

And as far as the terms and conditions go, they are on a continuous review with additions and deletions and as it is with all rules, rules are meant to be broken. My two cents of advice to all you newly weds out there

1. Be adjusting and accommodating of the other person.
2. When your better half is angry and yelling on the top of his/her voice, you stay calm and quiet. You can always clarify when he/she has cooled down later.
3. 'Tis true, the way into a man's heart is through his stomach. So cook well. I guess that in today's world it would apply the other way too.
4. Never ever say anything wrong about your better half's family. Well, there are ways. Call me if you need more tips on this.
5. Don't assume - talk everything out. No, don't argue, TALK!

So, here's the end of the life that has been. 31 years covered in 5 chapters. My friend complains that I've left off the juicy bits. Hopefully, this one makes up for that.

Chapter 3 - In ninth heaven

[Here's a link to the first Chapter.]
[Here's a link to the second Chapter.]

Disclaimer : These are just incidents from my life and I don't mean to offend anyone. And, don't get judgemental. What's here is mostly just the past.

Did Moi get married as she thought she would? No. Surprisingly the question never came up save for once - either Moi or her brother had to decide who would get married first. Door slamming and raised voices and the topic never came up again. I started my job search instead, in a time when IT was at its low.

"Treat at 4pm" reads the mail. Now, all would wait for 4pm for the treat. The treat today is being hosted by Manoj for getting his IT refund. Now, how many people you know who would do that? These were the kind of people who got introduced into my life when I joined Nilgiri Networks. A delightful place, a home away from home. What's more? You get paid to go there everyday from 9am to 6pm.

Nilgiri Networks was run in a quaint British bungalow near the botanical garden in Ooty. After much searching, I found the building to hand over my resume. In a few weeks, Moi was selected for a salary of 5000 rupees a month. Moi was ecstatic. Yes, it was not what one would want to start work on but it was great considering Moi was at home.

Influenced by all the others who came on two wheelers, Moi thought owning a two wheeler was the coolest thing. Moi went ahead and bought a scooty pep. My first prized purchase, in installments albeit. Anyways, it looked great and I was one of the first few to have purchased the hottest new two-wheeler of the time. So, this meant further fattening with lack of exercise. Moi took up yoga classes which stick with me to this day. When the brother decided to get married, Moi took to walking as well as playing badminton, even if it was just a 5 minute break. Moi wanted to look her best at the wedding.

My trusty ride saw Moi going biking with the guys at work. We went on picnics with carriers filled with delicious food prepared by mom. We played with the cheetos toys in between work. Moi demanded for a 20% discount at every restaurant we went to, because we were locals. Our every day snacks were bought fresh and ranged from bun-butter from the bakery to vada sambar from Saravana Bhavan. No, one did not think about weight. One just had fun. Worries came and went but did not bog any one down.

The part that I hated most were the weekends - they meant staying at home with nothing to do.

[To all those of you who were a part of this phase of my life : I miss you]

Everyone who is in the IT industry does at one point or the other have to travel onsite. Moi got her fair chance too. Onsite for Moi meant Chennai, the one place for which Moi said "I will never get married to a guy from Chennai."

"Jo, you will need to travel to Chennai to get this work finished", said Usha's voice on the phone.
"Do I really need to travel?" asked Moi. Moi hated the KPN bus due to motion sickness.
Though Moi loved travelling, Moi always wished and wishes that it was as simple as close one's eyes and magically be transported to the place one wishes to go to.

While onsite Moi began interactions with the man in her life began in the most magical place - IIT-Madras, campus. Meals, movies, walks - many things we did together. And when the announcement came that the Ooty operations were shutting down with an option to move to Chennai, dad asked Moi to get married. 

Chapter 2 : The metamorphosis begins

[Here's a link to the first Chapter.]

Disclaimer : These are just incidents from my life and I don't mean to offend anyone. And, don't get judgemental. What's here is mostly just the past.

Co-education and the rise of Ekta Kapoor!!! What better way to begin the change with? Now that I've got your ears perked up, let's dig in.

First things first, I nailed the TNPCEE entrance exam. Just as my winning streak continued, Moi topped the coaching center.

Next was selecting the college. The Dad and Moi headed to Anna University, Chennai for the "window" selection process. Now, the Dad too is quite the naive guy who ended up paying the cunning rickshaw wala twice. Okay - selection time - Coimbatore Institute of Technology it had to be - far away from aunt's place to get some breathing space. Moi had slightly lesser marks required to make it to the Computer discipline at the prestigious PSG College of Technology.

This was going to be a 4 year stint and I had already let the cat out of the bag which had gotten me into enough trouble. Moi had to tread this chapter with caution. One piece of advice - never ever ever trust a relative when it comes to your relationships.

The Aunt would diligently wake up every morning at 5:30 and prepare delicious food for the dabba. On some days, there would be two dabbas - one for the friends and one for Moi. Her rotis were in demand always. I learnt to make rotis from her. So, food was taken care of, so was stay as well as Ganesha who would wash and iron my clothes. The pocket money Moi got was spent at the cafeteria and the occasional "MarryBrown" indulgences. I am ever thankful for what she and her family have done for me. Now, how often do we actually thank the people who have touched our lives?

The bus ride to and from college meant getting to meet more people and to get smart. One had to  make friends with the conductor of S8 to ensure he'd allow us to get in at the very last bus stop so that we'd get a place to sit before the mad rush entered at the first stop. Now, for those who are not accustomed to taking buses, the last stop will be the stop on the opposite side of the first stop. (Doh)

Senior 1 : "Hey Jyothi, come here. Do you know tamil?"
Moi : "No."
Senior 1 : "Okay then sing a song in tamil. We won't let you get back into the class until you sing."
Moi : "Nila kaayum neram, saranam."

This was one amongst the initial friendly ragging incidents. Another common form was to force the junior to purchase the second hand text books, no matter what the condition, for a fixed price.

It is a very fine line between friendship and flirting/infatuation. One has to tread carefully so as not to lose a good friend or make the wrong impression. Moi saw a fair share of crushes, heartbreaks and broken promises

These 4 years taught me patience, acceptance and humility. I had classmates who had struggled to get where they were. It was an interesting mix - rich, spoilt kids waiting to take advantage of you and the poor ones who were scared to approach you because they are not comfortable with the English language.

At home, what with "Kahaani Ghar Ghar Ki" and "Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi" making an entry, the Ekta Kapoor saga started forming its impression on my already limited world. One would think that one's only aim was to become a "Parvathi" or a "Tulsi".

And it is with that intent that Moi returned to Ooty, to be "happily" married to the chosen one.

Chapter 1 - of being cocooned in Ooty

Disclaimer : These are just incidents from my life and I don't mean to offend anyone. And, don't get judgemental. What's here is mostly just the past.

A few more days and two things will hold good. One, I'll be on the wrong side of 30 (officially). And two, a new chapter in life begins. Co-incidentally, I got introduced to Travel With Neelima and to her  Neelima's 30 things to do before 30.
Like every other girl who has/will read this, retrospection was needed.

Would I have come up a list which had items close/similar to that?

No. I would never have thought of being published in a magazine or the newspaper or standing on a camel. Oh yes, I did feature in a local newspaper in Ooty after I got the highest score in secondary school but that was not aspirational.

The one and only aspiration I had was to travel to Switzerland. Well, I've not done that yet. The rest was always about getting married to a good guy after I turned 21, having kids and getting them married. God!! Seriously!! Is that all I could have thought about? Well, these are the voices that are ringing in my head right now.

X : "Feature, furniture a thas?" (Translated from Sindhi : Is the girl good looking and from a rich family?)
Y : "When making the chappati dough, there should not be any flour or dough sticking to the sides of the thaal. That's how they will test to see if the girl knows how to cook"
Z : "When a girl gets married, for the first year, she should listen to her in-laws and do just as they say. Then on, the in-laws will do as you say and you will be the queen of the house"

Believe it or not, these have affected me in some ways and have been a part of the moulding process.

This post and the next few will show sneak peeks into my life that was and has been. Incidents that have shaped me into the person I've become. I've decided to split this into chapters based on the places in which I was based at for considerable periods.

"of being cocooned in Ooty" is the first one in the series highlighting the limited application of thought by moi and the general mindset of most middle class business families.

"... as long as I have a roof over my head, food to eat and lots and lots of love...."
Well, that's how one of the expectations that I had from my marriage goes. "And they lived happily ever after" - that's how most movies of 80s end. Boy and girl fall in love, finally get married or get together and they live happily ever after. So, obviously that had to be an expectation. Well, it should not have been the only expectation. (It was not, thank my husband for that. More on this in another chapter)

Being born into a fairly affluent family of the time, I was sent to the best day school for girls, St. Hilda's. Moi had a life full of love, care, affection and anything that one could ask for. Hop-skip-and-jump and I was at the bus stop. The school bus would wait if I was a bit late or I got a second chance to get onto the bus as it came back from Finger Post. Honestly, how much simpler could life have been?

Ours was and is a joint family and I don't remember even one occasion on which there was an argument between two individuals.(Yes, things change) I don't remember ever seeing my parents fight or argue. Ok, I'm trying to drive in the fact that there was no exposure to violence of any kind, save for the stray chappal that "Mayaji" (our granny) threw at us in frustration, when we kids were up to something naughty. She always missed.

"Mayaji" always had a maid servant for every job. Every morning, she sat at the dining table and ensured that every corner was dusted and that the house was put in order. So, obviously, the naive me thought that it was as simple as having a maid servant to do the house chores. Who cared about where the money to pay the maids came from?

Who also cared or thought about where the food came from? Food was and is still aplenty at home(touch wood), cooked on time and served hot. Most times, one did not even have to move even a finger to get a plateful of scrumptious food in hand. For special goodies, one had to run to the small store opposite the house ,"up shop" as we called it, and get the chocolates on "kadan"(credit). It was grand mom who had to settle the credits. Yours truly had one dairy milk every day. Yes, I am paying for all that now - at the dentist.

Clothes were bought for occasions and by visiting relatives. How I used to look forward to wearing that new frock or that new shoe. It mattered not if the frock was in fashion or was it of the trending colour or if it had a brand label. All that mattered was that I'd got a new outfit and I'd wait for the next kitty party, temple function or birthday party to wear it to. Kitty parties were a monthly ritual where aunties showed off their hosting and culinary skills and we kids got to play some fun games like "tail the donkey", "lemon in spoon", "passing the parcel with punishments", etcetera. Mom and aunt also had a book on hosting and games. Who even tries to put in that effort now? You just head to the nearest pizzeria.

Every year, these relatives visited us for 2 whole months. There were times when we had around 50 people at home and we'd sleep in the living room. Those were the times when life was easy, less materialistic and of fewer worries. It was more about building and maintaining relationships.

I was mighty proud of the swing in our compound. I was mighty proud of the huge play area around my house. I was mighty proud of the size of my house. But, I never thought of what had gone in for me to have all of these things, to call them mine. Not once did I think of those who did not have a roof over their head. Yes, we used to provide food to the poor outside the church. Yes, we used to serve food at the deaf-and-dumb school.

There were the school excursions every other year. They gave a glimpse into the outside world. Being from a business family and in a tourist spot, our travels were few and limited to may be attending weddings in South India. Moi went on every excursion that was organised while in school without thinking about how much they cost. All that one would think about was how much pocket money to carry and what would be the things to buy from the place. Dad paid for all of them and I did not realize until the very last one to Nepal where I had to beg him to send me. That's when, at the age of 16, that money became a reality for me.

Another thing about these excursions are that they are all pre-planned for and teachers all around provide security. There is no need to worry about missing a train or getting lost.  One is cocooned from the actual nitty gritties of planning a trip, booking stay at a good hotel. Not once, not once did we stay at a bad hotel.

The latter part of this chapter of my life, saw me flirting with infatuation and crushes. This carries on, into the next chapter too but it all started here. The fad of boys and girls buying each other cards and gifts saw its rise. Archies outlets sprung up everywhere. Everyone around was having a boyfriend and/or was getting proposed to. Friends link you up and you end up thinking it is all for real. Absolutely zero thought into what might actually be in store.

Chapter 1 ends with moi scoring a good percentage and deciding to pursue engineering. Moi had no idea what engineering was about except that it was a 4 year course and that's exactly what I wanted. I did not want to get married before I turned 21 and a 4 year course meant marriage after 21. Moi had no idea as to what had to be done to get into engineering, but it all fell into place. Well, thanks to the efforts of my aunt and uncle who did the needful.